Used Cars

John Clarke, Bryan Dawes skit
[Scene: A car yard. BRYAN is perusing the stock. He is approached by JOHN]

John: Morning! Looking for a new car?

Bryan : Nope. New Prime Minister, actually.

John: You’re the third one this morning. Anything in mind?

Bryan : You know…… nothing fancy, reliable, economical family model. Something to get the country from A to B.

John: You mean like a Howard?

Bryan : Yeah…a little Johnny. Nothing flash, does the job. Low maintenance, economical, sensible. Runs for years, no troubles.

John: So…. you used to have one?

Bryan : Yeah. About 10 years. Great little model – don’t know why I got rid of him — biggest mistake I’ve ever made.

John: What happened?

Bryan : Traded him in for a Kevin 07.

John: Big mistake.

Bryan : Lot of people bought it. Good political mileage.

John: How was the Kevin 07?

Bryan : Came with a $900 factory rebate – that was good.

John: Anything else?

Bryan : Not much. Sounded nice but nothing under the bonnet. It was a lemon.

John: Didn’t stick around for long did it?

Bryan : Nah – had a factory recall. Shipped overseas and was never seen again.

John: What was the problem?

Bryan : Lots. But the final straw was the navigation system. Plug it in and it automatically loses its own way.

John: Whatcha got now?

Bryan : It’s a Gillard-Brown

John: The hybrid?

Bryan : Yeah. The Eco-drive system – not a good idea. An engine that can’t deliver hooked up to a transmission stuck in permanent reverse.

John: Green paintwork with a red interior. And steering that always lurches to the left for no apparent reason – that’s the one?

Bryan : The Fustercluck model.

John: The only one they made, Bryan . Not the vehicle of choice for the road to recovery – but did they finish up fixing the navigation system?

Bryan : Made it worse. Turn it on and it does a press release, heads off in all directions and goes nowhere.
John: So that’s why you’re here?

Bryan : That’s right. I’m stuck with a car that’s wasteful, expensive, ineffective and past its use by date. I don’t suppose you’ve heard of the “Cash for Clunkers” scheme?

John: Join the queue brother.

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