John Clarke, Bryan Dawes skit
[Scene: A car yard. BRYAN is perusing the stock. He is approached by JOHN]
John: Morning! Looking for a new car?
Bryan : Nope. New Prime Minister, actually.
John: You’re the third one this morning. Anything in mind?
Bryan : You know…… nothing fancy, reliable, economical family model. Something to get the country from A to B.
John: You mean like a Howard?
Bryan : Yeah…a little Johnny. Nothing flash, does the job. Low maintenance, economical, sensible. Runs for years, no troubles.
John: So…. you used to have one?
Bryan : Yeah. About 10 years. Great little model – don’t know why I got rid of him — biggest mistake I’ve ever made.
John: What happened?
Bryan : Traded him in for a Kevin 07.
John: Big mistake.
Bryan : Lot of people bought it. Good political mileage.
John: How was the Kevin 07?
Bryan : Came with a $900 factory rebate – that was good.
John: Anything else?
Bryan : Not much. Sounded nice but nothing under the bonnet. It was a lemon.
John: Didn’t stick around for long did it?
Bryan : Nah – had a factory recall. Shipped overseas and was never seen again.
John: What was the problem?
Bryan : Lots. But the final straw was the navigation system. Plug it in and it automatically loses its own way.
John: Whatcha got now?
Bryan : It’s a Gillard-Brown
John: The hybrid?
Bryan : Yeah. The Eco-drive system – not a good idea. An engine that can’t deliver hooked up to a transmission stuck in permanent reverse.
John: Green paintwork with a red interior. And steering that always lurches to the left for no apparent reason – that’s the one?
Bryan : The Fustercluck model.
John: The only one they made, Bryan . Not the vehicle of choice for the road to recovery – but did they finish up fixing the navigation system?
Bryan : Made it worse. Turn it on and it does a press release, heads off in all directions and goes nowhere.
John: So that’s why you’re here?
Bryan : That’s right. I’m stuck with a car that’s wasteful, expensive, ineffective and past its use by date. I don’t suppose you’ve heard of the “Cash for Clunkers” scheme?
John: Join the queue brother.